SOUTH AMERICAN BREEDERS CREATE THE PERFECT AIREDALE

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK)  Dog breeders in San Bacon, Brazil have announced that they have perfected a variant of the venerable Airedale breed.

They call it the TAireAntula.

Strong points of this new breed is that it does not bark but can run faster than any of its prey, giving it an enormous advantage when hunting.

So far the only TAireAntula has won every single dog show competition it has entered, scoring not only a Best of Breed, but Best In Show 27 times in a row.  Coincidentally, all other dogs, breeders, handlers and judges (except for the unfortunate nearsighted George McFoley who bent down to check the dog’s teeth and was devoured instantly) did not show in those shows, mainly because they were all scared sh**less.

Standing at 36 inches at the shoulder and 240 pounds (males; females slightly smaller), the TAireAntula is able to leap 72 feet straight up.

This reporter was not able to find out any more details because he was too busy running away as the dog was ripping apart its owner before a snack.

CANADA STUNNED BY ELECTION RESULTS

Arthur the Bad Airedale Crowned Queen of Canada

(ATBA News Network, 19 October 2015)  Well, it wasn’t the Conservatives, Liberals or New Democrats who will be  running the Great White North now.  

It’s the BACON Party.

In an election that will forever be known for its controversy, twists and turns, one more surprise came out of nowhere:  the canine write-in vote.

Except that dogs cannot write.

But that didn’t stop dogs from all over the country from disrupting the election process and turning it to their own ends.

Dogs, dogs, dogs - Boxers, Dobermans, Labradors (very popular voting in the Maritimes), even Shetland Ponies - came out to vote in every single voting district.

When told that “Dogs can’t vote,” the prospective voters responded with bared teeth and lifted legs.  They also pointed out (mainly while standing over election officials, growling) that there is not one single law prohibiting dogs from voting.

After election officials vacated the premises, legions of Wiener Dogs took over tabulation of results.  Amazingly, not one single human was elected.

Leader of the BACON Party Arthur the Bad Airedale was thereby acclaimed as Queen of Canada.  When told that there was no such position, he merely grunted and put on his quite elegant and stylish crown.

First order of business will be lunch.  Then dinner.  Then lunch again.  Then maybe a nap, followed by chasing of squirrels and ChaseChomps.

This begins the march of Mr. Bad Airedale toward his stated "Trifecta."  He intends to be Queen of Canada, President of the United States of AireMerica, and Prime Defenestrator of South Africa.  It appears that his mission has gained tremendous momentum.

FUNDING APPEAL LEECHED DRY

(ATBA News Service, 5 October 2015)  Angry Airedale owners on Facebook tracked down a scam artist and inflicted their own brand of justice.

One Jennifer A Salinger posted on an Airedale Owner’s Group and falsely claimed that an Airedale named Samson had been claimed for free from Craigslist, then used as a “bait dog” for dog fights in Massachusetts.  She then claimed that the dog had barely survived the horrific ordeal, suffered over 3,000 stitches, and was undergoing emergency veterinarian care.  Finally, she said that people could donate to her personal PayPal account and gave the pertinent information to do so.

It took only hours before Airedale forum members came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a scam, and in fact had been inflicted upon other breed owners as well, such as Wheatens and Sheepdogs.

Some forum members had already donated money.

The Airedale owners then exacted justice the way that an Airedale would:  “Don’t start a fight, but when in it - FINISH IT.”

A delegation from the forum tracked down the scam artist and attached leeches to her face.  This was repayment for her preying upon the love of Airedale owners and lovers, bleeding their love for their animals, and soaking their bank accounts simply because they love their pets so much.

In this GoFundMe drive, the involved Airedale owners are inviting anyone to contribute $5.00 apiece, which will buy one leech to be applied to the fraudster’s face.  It is hoped that enough money will be contributed to give Ms. Salinger a complete makeover.

Contributions can be sent to JenSalsAnAss@gofundme.com.

PRESAIREDENTIAL CANDIDATE TO REPLACE POLITICIANS WITH ANIMAL RESCUE WORKERS

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 19 August 2015)  Arthur The Bad Airedale, dogged by negative publicity in his presidential campaign, finally declared a platform idea not related to BACON.

Mr. Bad Airedale has decided that if and when elected President, he will fire every single politician and replace them with staff members from Animal Rescue Societies.

When pressed for an answer, he stated:  “I’m not really seeing progress on this planet from humans; I think that it may be time for a HUMANE approach.”

He did not spell out the specifics for his plan.  When pressed for an answer, he stretched and started licking his crotch until reporters walked away in embarrassment or disgust.

AIREDALE PEES ON NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR AND CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

Airedale Presidential Candidate Urinates on North Korean Dictator

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 18 August 2015)  Heightened tensions exist between North Korea and Canada after an Airedale from Fort Erie, Ontario accidentally urinated upon North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Arthur The Bad Airedale, who is running for President of the United States even though he is a resident of Canada, committed the act that has diplomats worldwide scurrying to explain and deflect blame.

The Presidential candidate is the best-selling author of Sure, I Do Crappy Photoshopping and also last year’s hit Who Cares What YOU Think?  Vote for Me!

Mr. Bad Airedale was on a diplomatic trade mission to investigate claims that the North Korean BACON crop is the highest and tastiest on the planet.  

The Korean strongman was under the impression that Mr. Bad Airedale is some sort of elite American athlete similar to Dennis Rodman or Pee Wee Herman, and so invited him to a private conference.

When Jong Un said, “Come over to me, please,” Mr. Bad Airedale promptly went over and lifted his leg on the dictator.

Explaining later, the Presidential candidate said,  “Well, his accent is so thick that I thought he said, ‘Come over to pee on me.’  So not wanting to be rude, I did so immediately.”

The conference ended suddenly and Mr. Bad Airedale exited the country as soon as possible.

World leaders everywhere were seen snickering.

AIREDALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE POPS UP IN NEW PLACES

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 14 August 2015)  It seems that Arthur The Bad Airedale is not done with the U.S. political world just yet.

The recent scandal whereby the Republican candidate was disgraced for trying to corner the market on BACON seemed to eliminate him from the presidential campaign for 2016.

However, something odd happened during a Hillary Clinton press conference in front of the White House:  while she was speaking, her head appeared to fall off and Arthur The Bad Airedale's head appeared to pop up between her shoulders.  Then she grabbed her head and shoved it back on and he disappeared.

The significance of this event is unknown.  More details to follow.

AIREDALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DROPS OUT OF RACE BECAUSE OF SCANDAL

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 13 August 2015) The unlikely presidential campaign of Arthur the Bad Airedale is over.

An investigation by the F.B.I. (Federal Bacon Institute) has revealed a massive conspiracy by Mr. Bad Airedale to defraud the American population.

Mr. Bad Airedale with His Political Planning Team

Mr. Bad Airedale launched his campaign only upon discovering that hogs would be in short supply and therefore BACON as well.

Becoming both alarmed and greedy as well as arrogant, he concocted a massive scheme whereby he would garner as much BACON as possible illegally while appearing to generously share with everyone else.

One of his schemes was to use roving gangs of Minion Wiener Dogs to cause a crash of a huge tractor trailer, spilling an astonishing 70,000 pounds of BACON on the road.  Once the BACON was declared unfit for human consumption, Mr. Bad Airedale’s assistants packed it all up and delivered it to an undisclosed location that he owned.

In another astonishing turn, he entered the presidential race, appearing on at least one televised debate.

Even his campaign slogan was misleading:  it turns out that the words “Free Bacon for Everyone” actually means in the Airedale Language “All Your Bacon Belongs to Me, Suckers!”  He never intended for anyone else to receive a single piece of BACON.

The photo below shows Mr. Bad Airedale being apprehended by an FBI agent.

Mr. Bad Airedale posted bail shortly afterwards and made this statement:  “I don’t care.  I may have a BACON addiction problem, but it’s mine and I’m proud of it.  Get out of my way unless you have BACON.”

Upset follower of Arthur the Bad Airedale

Then he disappeared into the wild back streets of the frontier town of Fort Erie.  His whereabouts are currently unknown.

NEW AIREDALE BREED STANDARD ANNOUNCED BY BKC

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 21 May 2015)  The BKC (Bacon Kennel Club) today announced a new standard for Airedale Terriers.

The pronouncement was made by Hizzoner Pete Onslaught at a news conference.

"After many years of study, perhaps two or three hours, We have determined that henceforth the breed's name is changed from 'Airedale Terriers':  they will now be called AirDale Terriers."

(CKC President Announcing New AirDale Breed Standard)

"This follows the new direction of the breed.  We all know that a compact dog makes a healthier, more attractive dog.  In addition, it is more environmentally friendly, since it takes in less oxygen and uses less gas when driving its Maserati around town (since everyone knows that AirDale owners are smarter, better looking, and wealthier than other breed owners)."

"As well, the global trend has been miniaturization.  Moore's Law dictates that units become more powerful and smaller every 18 months, and so we have determined that the old standard is far behind the times.  Hence the new, improved AirDale units.  The new, improved AirDale male dog will be no taller than six inches at the shoulder; females will be 1/2 inch tall and viewable through a microscope."

"The new standard takes effect immediately.  Competition judges are to take note of the new regulations."

(Jetta the Jumping AirDale Seen in a recent competition)

HUNGRY WIENER DOGS BEHIND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 10 May 2015)  In a major news scoop, Airedale Maris Barkingrowler has uncovered a massive conspiracy by Wiener Dogs.

Barkingrowler went undercover as a a bottle of ketchup to find out the truth.

After weeks of being shaken, not stirred, she found that Wiener Dogs are actually The Illuminati and control most world leaders.

She was able to snap a quick picture after “Vladimir Putin”’s head fell off during a speech about his plans to invade Las Vegas and a Wiener Dog named Gilbert emerged from Putin’s neck to to snatch a piece of steak from a banquet table.  No one noticed because Putin had lost his head on numerous occasions.

The United States of Airedale HomeFries Security Agency initially had no comment, but finally issued a statement.  In an historic first, Othello the Farting (Silent) Airedale, Minister of Juvenile Humor and Bad Taste, said:  “Yes, Putin’s head fell off and a Wiener Dog came out.  We have known for a long time that the 2Legs known as Vladimir Putin is actually a sock puppet operated by hungry Wiener Dogs.  They have taken over world dictators for a long time in their voracious pursuit of TATOR TOTS.”  (If you don’t get the bad joke, think about it - Wiener Dogs and Tator Tots / DicTators…yeah, it’s lame).

Anyhow, the HomeFries Security Agency raised the Alert Colour to a delicious golden brown, that golden colour that hash browns get just as they are sizzling and bubbling in delicious bacon grease and the smell drives you absolutely crazy and you want to bite your 4Legs in the ass so you can get those hash browns faster and…uh…Golden Brown is the Alert Colour.

Minister Othello warned citizens to remain vigilant and stayed armed with mustard in case Wiener Dogs ventured into their neighbourhood looking for DicTators or anything else edible.

DOG RESCUE ORGANIZATION REVEALED AS FRAUD

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 2 April 2015)  Fort Erie, Canada - The nation is horrified with the revelation that a new "Dog Rescue" organization was actually set up to be a sausage factory.

The “Airedale Rescue Society of Fort Erie” was shut down on April 1 after neighbours complained of strange sounds and smells coming from the building.

Investigations revealed a house of horrors that was about to be launched.  Inside, dogs of all sorts - but especially Airedale Terriers - were kept in a line of cages, waiting for the next room - “The Processing Room.”

There investigators found, to their dismay and disgust, a sausage making facility.  Though the sausage making plant never actually started operations, everything was in place:  the spices, packaging bags, machinery, etc.  There was a truck in the back alley labeled “SquirCat Sausage Company.”

Employees and management had fled.  But documents revealed that Mitzi the Cat and Freddy the Dictator Squirrel had entered into both a political alliance and business arrangement after the sly attempts by Kevin the Airedale (new president of the U.S. - See Here: "AMNESTY DECLARED" ) had “invited them to dinner” at the White House.  

Animals inside the building were returned to their owners upon identification via their very expensive dog tags.  

Two dogs, both Airedales, eluded the investigators and escaped to the street.

Investigations will continue.

AMNESTY DECLARED

Airedale President Kevin Invites ChaseChomps and Squirrels to Formal Dinner

(ATBA New Network, 30 March 2015)  The new President of the United States, Kevin the Airedale, fresh off his crushing defeat at the hands of the Supreme Court over his attempt to legally change his name to Kevin Bacon, extended the olive branch of peace to two traditionally estranged political groups for Airedales:  ChaseChomps and Squirrels.

Kevin, who has been President of the United States ever since the Airedale coup at the White House ("Airedales Take Over U.S. Government in Coup" ), declared that “We have been at distance from ChaseChomps and Squirrels far too long.  It’s time to bury the ketchup right here and now.  I declare amnesty on our former bitter enemies.  We want them much closer to us, and we want it right now.”

Delegates were sent out to leaders of the special interest groups, but they got distracted and wandered away or took naps.

Kevin then sent official invitations to the ChaseChomp Leader Mitzi and Squirrel Dictator for Life Freddy.  The invitation read:  “Upon advice from my advisors Spike and Lola, I hereby invite all of your population to come for dinner at the White House tomorrow.   We wish to solve the problems that have existed between Airedales, ChaseChomps and Squirrels for far too long.”

The event, however, will not take place.  Mitzi sent back a litterbox-stained reply that read, “Don’t think so, Jerk.  Smell this.”  Freddy’s statement was:  “Are you NUTZ?”

Mitzi was not interested in coming for dinner

Freddy the Squirrel's incredulous response

Prez Kev protested that his motives were misunderstood.  “I don’t see what the problem is,” he protested.  “We just wanted to have them for dinner.”  Then he began squeaking his toy incessantly.

An obviously wounded and innocent President Kevin

It is hoped that negotiations will continue.

http://atbanewsnetwork.blogspot.ca/2015/03/airedales-take-over-us-government.html

WOULD BE RESCUERS OF ARTHUR THE BAD AIREDALE PERISH IN CANADA

DISASTER STRIKES

Would-Be Rescuers of Arthur TheBad Airedale Perish in Canada

(ATBA News Network, 17 March 2015)  Sounding a frantic call to “Save Arthur!”, scores of illiterate rescuers met a horrible fate in the wastelands of Canada yesterday.

The drama began when so-called “rescuers” took offense at an obviously fictitious article “written” by a fictitious Airedale with the fictitious name of Arthur TheBad Airedale, who fictitiously wandered off in search of his fictitious owner (fictitiously named “OldMan”) and was captured by a made-up Animal Control Officer and taken to an imaginary Animal Shelter.

Having not read the article, which was an obvious attempt at poor writing (because fictitious Airedales are notorious for their poor literary standards in writing fiction), the poor wretches - whether through personal carelessness, inability to read simple sentences, lack of understanding of satirical literature or animal adventure stories, or other basic learning skills necessary to progress beyond the adult standard of moron - rallied to put together a search and rescue party to save the poor fictitious-made-up-not-real-Airedale’s life.

Being unable to read or understand basic reading principles, the group (which carried a large banner that read, “If It’s On the InterWeb Thingee Then It Must Be True!”) somehow made their way to the fair country of Canada, which was strange because the literary character Arthur was under threat of execution in Fort Outland, Australia (details, details). It should be noted that Fort Outland, Australia is also a made up place (no, Australia is real; the town is not).

Crossing the Peace Bridge from Buffalo, New York (that’s in the U.S.A.) into the Holy City of Fort Erie, Canada (Canada also exists), scores of the illiterate and gullible rescuers were mowed down by rampaging penguins, headed up by the Head Penguin Ralph (Ralph is a pretty badass penguin).  It doesn’t matter that penguins don’t live in Canada; they mowed down the rescuers anyway. A few dozen of the 10 or so dyslexic warriors fell and drowned in one of the lethal maple syrup pools that lurk everywhere.

Ralph the BadAss Penguin, Who Does Not Live in Canada

In disarray (as opposed to that array), the remaining hundreds of the last five die hard zealots (“Die Hard” was a pretty cool movie, but not the last one, where Bruce Willis was really old) ran afoul of two polar bears playing BITEYFACE!  The PairBears, who COULD read, pointed the amazingly effective rescuers in the direction of Australia.

These BITEYFACE! Polar Bears Were Very Helpful

In other news, Arthur TheBadAndAlsoFictitious Airedale escaped from prison in a daring gambit involving the help of Hector the Airedale and Sloppy Joe mixture, but it doesn’t really matter because both of them do not exist.  Actually they do exist, but neither of them can write.  Which is okay, because apparently a lot of people cannot read.  The end.

This is What Lives in Australia.  Sharp Teeth.

JAILBREAK BLAMED ON SLOPPY JOES AND TWO BAD AIREDALES

(ATBA News Network, 17 March 2015)  Staff at the Fort Osterman Animal Shelter in Fort Osterman, Australia have some explaining to do.

After anticipation had built up for days over the scheduled execution of the criminal Arthur TheBad Airedale,  events have taken an unexpectedly shocking turn with a pungent violence never before seen (or smelled!).

Guards at the shelter had positioned one Hector the Airedale, (a confidant of the notorious thug Calvin th’Airedale) next to Arthur’s cage to be a comfort to the cantankerous dog in his last days.

It was a serious error.

From his gang headquarters, Calvin had been constructing a bold (but messy) plan for some time.  He arranged for large quantities of black beans and cans of Sloppy Joe mixtures to be shipped to Hector as part of a forged veterinarian prescription.  Arthur himself had been kept on a bread and water diet by guards because of his hostile demeanour and attempts to play BITEYFACE with guards' hands.

Hoarding the supplies until two hours before the planned break, the two Dales then gorged on the massive meal.

At the 7 p.m. break time, a shelter guard with a cigarette habit came to that corner of the building to sneak a smoke in private, as he did every night.

Right before he lit the cigarette, the two Dales simultaneously gave off a silent but horribly deadly mixture of powerful and potent methane gas, a faint blue haze.

The flick of the lighter triggered a massive blast that blew the guard across the room, knocked all doors off their hinges, and smashed open all dogs’ cages.

The smoking scene instantly became pandemonium as the guard crawled from the building, eyes watering and with severe nostril burns.

Interviewed later, he exclaimed “There was wiener dogs running off in all directions!  But I knowed that them damned Airedales was behind it.  They’s no danged good at all!”

Officials immediately put Bloodhounds on the trail, but the dogs fainted instantly.

The whereabouts of Hector the Airedale and Arthur TheBad Airedale are unknown, but a price has been posted for their capture.

More updates on this rapidly deteriorating situation to come from the ATBA News Network.

EXECUTION FOR AIREDALE AT KILL SHELTER TO PROCEED

Appeals Have Run Out for Arthur TheBad Airedale

It appears that time has run out for Arthur TheBad Airedale.

Arthur’s attorneys announced at a press conference that appeal efforts to commute his death sentence at a local SPCA in Fort Osterman, Australia have failed.

“Many 2Legs have come in to look at him, but he is just too surly and wretched to go home with anyone.  No one wants him.”

The wayward 4Legs wound up in the “shelter” when he was found wandering the streets looking for what he calls his “OldMan,” who was removed from the home in ill health.

The Kill Order is scheduled to take place at midnight on Thursday, 26 March 2015.

TOWN FLOODED BY AIREDALE

(ATBA Network News, 16 March 2015)  Spring flooding came early to the Wisconsin town of BaconCheese when Doogie, an Airedale Terrier known for his prodigious thirst and glorious beard, slopped around his drinking bowl and flung the contents all over Main Street.

No one was hurt, but ChaseChompers and squirrels were heard cursing him.  It was the third time in five years that the town had suffered from Doogie's bad drinking habits.

Appeals have been made to Doogie's owners to put him on a low salt diet to cut down on his thirst.

In other news, the town sanitation system has broken down from the spring cleanup of Doogie's poop.

AIREDALES TAKE OVER U.S. GOVERNMENT

(ATBANN, 15 March 2015)  Worldwide governments are scrambling to adjust policy documents after a sudden and brutal coup of the United States government has left Airedale Terriers in power.

What originally started as a confused chaos early Saturday morning eventually formed into a focused group with a single intent in mind.  

Unrest began when a false rumour circulated on the Canine Social Network that the White House had cornered the market on bacon and was refusing to share, even if someone sat nicely, barked sweetly and begged with a terminal cuteness.

Airedales began converging on the hotspot at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue early in the day.  One dog named Armor hijacked a plane from Salt Lake City and crash landed it in nearby Georgetown, scaring a group of terrified Wiener Dogs and Toy Poodles.

Metro Police and Secret Service agents soon became unnerved at the massive amount of butt sniffing and BITEYFACE! going on.  Several agents were injured by the Nose-to-Crotch Syndrome.

As it became obvious that White House officials were not forthcoming and were obviously holding out on the hidden Bacon Reserves, hysteria took over the crowd, which rushed the gates, snarling and jumping.  Eventually the sheer weight of the crowd bent the iron bars and the Black and Tan wave swarmed the building.

The White House was empty, however.  An AireForce helicopter had already evacuated everyone from the building.

Finding it empty, the ringleaders gathered in the Oval Office and held an impromptu press conference.

Kevin the Airedale, the group’s leader, dictated their terms after a slight delay (he accidentally pooped on the floor because he forgot to go before he left home).

“Governments of the world are hereby put on notice.  We are in charge and will take your bacon whenever and wherever we like SQUIRREL!!!”

There was a 15 minute delay while the strike force searched the hallways for the rumoured squirrel.  A Portuguese Water Dog was found during this time and interrogated, but no new evidence came to light.

More information will be provided as the situation develops.