WOULD BE RESCUERS OF ARTHUR THE BAD AIREDALE PERISH IN CANADA

DISASTER STRIKES

Would-Be Rescuers of Arthur TheBad Airedale Perish in Canada

(ATBA News Network, 17 March 2015)  Sounding a frantic call to “Save Arthur!”, scores of illiterate rescuers met a horrible fate in the wastelands of Canada yesterday.

The drama began when so-called “rescuers” took offense at an obviously fictitious article “written” by a fictitious Airedale with the fictitious name of Arthur TheBad Airedale, who fictitiously wandered off in search of his fictitious owner (fictitiously named “OldMan”) and was captured by a made-up Animal Control Officer and taken to an imaginary Animal Shelter.

Having not read the article, which was an obvious attempt at poor writing (because fictitious Airedales are notorious for their poor literary standards in writing fiction), the poor wretches - whether through personal carelessness, inability to read simple sentences, lack of understanding of satirical literature or animal adventure stories, or other basic learning skills necessary to progress beyond the adult standard of moron - rallied to put together a search and rescue party to save the poor fictitious-made-up-not-real-Airedale’s life.

Being unable to read or understand basic reading principles, the group (which carried a large banner that read, “If It’s On the InterWeb Thingee Then It Must Be True!”) somehow made their way to the fair country of Canada, which was strange because the literary character Arthur was under threat of execution in Fort Outland, Australia (details, details). It should be noted that Fort Outland, Australia is also a made up place (no, Australia is real; the town is not).

Crossing the Peace Bridge from Buffalo, New York (that’s in the U.S.A.) into the Holy City of Fort Erie, Canada (Canada also exists), scores of the illiterate and gullible rescuers were mowed down by rampaging penguins, headed up by the Head Penguin Ralph (Ralph is a pretty badass penguin).  It doesn’t matter that penguins don’t live in Canada; they mowed down the rescuers anyway. A few dozen of the 10 or so dyslexic warriors fell and drowned in one of the lethal maple syrup pools that lurk everywhere.

Ralph the BadAss Penguin, Who Does Not Live in Canada

In disarray (as opposed to that array), the remaining hundreds of the last five die hard zealots (“Die Hard” was a pretty cool movie, but not the last one, where Bruce Willis was really old) ran afoul of two polar bears playing BITEYFACE!  The PairBears, who COULD read, pointed the amazingly effective rescuers in the direction of Australia.

These BITEYFACE! Polar Bears Were Very Helpful

In other news, Arthur TheBadAndAlsoFictitious Airedale escaped from prison in a daring gambit involving the help of Hector the Airedale and Sloppy Joe mixture, but it doesn’t really matter because both of them do not exist.  Actually they do exist, but neither of them can write.  Which is okay, because apparently a lot of people cannot read.  The end.

This is What Lives in Australia.  Sharp Teeth.