AMNESTY DECLARED

Airedale President Kevin Invites ChaseChomps and Squirrels to Formal Dinner

(ATBA New Network, 30 March 2015)  The new President of the United States, Kevin the Airedale, fresh off his crushing defeat at the hands of the Supreme Court over his attempt to legally change his name to Kevin Bacon, extended the olive branch of peace to two traditionally estranged political groups for Airedales:  ChaseChomps and Squirrels.

Kevin, who has been President of the United States ever since the Airedale coup at the White House ("Airedales Take Over U.S. Government in Coup" ), declared that “We have been at distance from ChaseChomps and Squirrels far too long.  It’s time to bury the ketchup right here and now.  I declare amnesty on our former bitter enemies.  We want them much closer to us, and we want it right now.”

Delegates were sent out to leaders of the special interest groups, but they got distracted and wandered away or took naps.

Kevin then sent official invitations to the ChaseChomp Leader Mitzi and Squirrel Dictator for Life Freddy.  The invitation read:  “Upon advice from my advisors Spike and Lola, I hereby invite all of your population to come for dinner at the White House tomorrow.   We wish to solve the problems that have existed between Airedales, ChaseChomps and Squirrels for far too long.”

The event, however, will not take place.  Mitzi sent back a litterbox-stained reply that read, “Don’t think so, Jerk.  Smell this.”  Freddy’s statement was:  “Are you NUTZ?”

Mitzi was not interested in coming for dinner

Freddy the Squirrel's incredulous response

Prez Kev protested that his motives were misunderstood.  “I don’t see what the problem is,” he protested.  “We just wanted to have them for dinner.”  Then he began squeaking his toy incessantly.

An obviously wounded and innocent President Kevin

It is hoped that negotiations will continue.

http://atbanewsnetwork.blogspot.ca/2015/03/airedales-take-over-us-government.html

WOULD BE RESCUERS OF ARTHUR THE BAD AIREDALE PERISH IN CANADA

DISASTER STRIKES

Would-Be Rescuers of Arthur TheBad Airedale Perish in Canada

(ATBA News Network, 17 March 2015)  Sounding a frantic call to “Save Arthur!”, scores of illiterate rescuers met a horrible fate in the wastelands of Canada yesterday.

The drama began when so-called “rescuers” took offense at an obviously fictitious article “written” by a fictitious Airedale with the fictitious name of Arthur TheBad Airedale, who fictitiously wandered off in search of his fictitious owner (fictitiously named “OldMan”) and was captured by a made-up Animal Control Officer and taken to an imaginary Animal Shelter.

Having not read the article, which was an obvious attempt at poor writing (because fictitious Airedales are notorious for their poor literary standards in writing fiction), the poor wretches - whether through personal carelessness, inability to read simple sentences, lack of understanding of satirical literature or animal adventure stories, or other basic learning skills necessary to progress beyond the adult standard of moron - rallied to put together a search and rescue party to save the poor fictitious-made-up-not-real-Airedale’s life.

Being unable to read or understand basic reading principles, the group (which carried a large banner that read, “If It’s On the InterWeb Thingee Then It Must Be True!”) somehow made their way to the fair country of Canada, which was strange because the literary character Arthur was under threat of execution in Fort Outland, Australia (details, details). It should be noted that Fort Outland, Australia is also a made up place (no, Australia is real; the town is not).

Crossing the Peace Bridge from Buffalo, New York (that’s in the U.S.A.) into the Holy City of Fort Erie, Canada (Canada also exists), scores of the illiterate and gullible rescuers were mowed down by rampaging penguins, headed up by the Head Penguin Ralph (Ralph is a pretty badass penguin).  It doesn’t matter that penguins don’t live in Canada; they mowed down the rescuers anyway. A few dozen of the 10 or so dyslexic warriors fell and drowned in one of the lethal maple syrup pools that lurk everywhere.

Ralph the BadAss Penguin, Who Does Not Live in Canada

In disarray (as opposed to that array), the remaining hundreds of the last five die hard zealots (“Die Hard” was a pretty cool movie, but not the last one, where Bruce Willis was really old) ran afoul of two polar bears playing BITEYFACE!  The PairBears, who COULD read, pointed the amazingly effective rescuers in the direction of Australia.

These BITEYFACE! Polar Bears Were Very Helpful

In other news, Arthur TheBadAndAlsoFictitious Airedale escaped from prison in a daring gambit involving the help of Hector the Airedale and Sloppy Joe mixture, but it doesn’t really matter because both of them do not exist.  Actually they do exist, but neither of them can write.  Which is okay, because apparently a lot of people cannot read.  The end.

This is What Lives in Australia.  Sharp Teeth.

JAILBREAK BLAMED ON SLOPPY JOES AND TWO BAD AIREDALES

(ATBA News Network, 17 March 2015)  Staff at the Fort Osterman Animal Shelter in Fort Osterman, Australia have some explaining to do.

After anticipation had built up for days over the scheduled execution of the criminal Arthur TheBad Airedale,  events have taken an unexpectedly shocking turn with a pungent violence never before seen (or smelled!).

Guards at the shelter had positioned one Hector the Airedale, (a confidant of the notorious thug Calvin th’Airedale) next to Arthur’s cage to be a comfort to the cantankerous dog in his last days.

It was a serious error.

From his gang headquarters, Calvin had been constructing a bold (but messy) plan for some time.  He arranged for large quantities of black beans and cans of Sloppy Joe mixtures to be shipped to Hector as part of a forged veterinarian prescription.  Arthur himself had been kept on a bread and water diet by guards because of his hostile demeanour and attempts to play BITEYFACE with guards' hands.

Hoarding the supplies until two hours before the planned break, the two Dales then gorged on the massive meal.

At the 7 p.m. break time, a shelter guard with a cigarette habit came to that corner of the building to sneak a smoke in private, as he did every night.

Right before he lit the cigarette, the two Dales simultaneously gave off a silent but horribly deadly mixture of powerful and potent methane gas, a faint blue haze.

The flick of the lighter triggered a massive blast that blew the guard across the room, knocked all doors off their hinges, and smashed open all dogs’ cages.

The smoking scene instantly became pandemonium as the guard crawled from the building, eyes watering and with severe nostril burns.

Interviewed later, he exclaimed “There was wiener dogs running off in all directions!  But I knowed that them damned Airedales was behind it.  They’s no danged good at all!”

Officials immediately put Bloodhounds on the trail, but the dogs fainted instantly.

The whereabouts of Hector the Airedale and Arthur TheBad Airedale are unknown, but a price has been posted for their capture.

More updates on this rapidly deteriorating situation to come from the ATBA News Network.

EXECUTION FOR AIREDALE AT KILL SHELTER TO PROCEED

Appeals Have Run Out for Arthur TheBad Airedale

It appears that time has run out for Arthur TheBad Airedale.

Arthur’s attorneys announced at a press conference that appeal efforts to commute his death sentence at a local SPCA in Fort Osterman, Australia have failed.

“Many 2Legs have come in to look at him, but he is just too surly and wretched to go home with anyone.  No one wants him.”

The wayward 4Legs wound up in the “shelter” when he was found wandering the streets looking for what he calls his “OldMan,” who was removed from the home in ill health.

The Kill Order is scheduled to take place at midnight on Thursday, 26 March 2015.

TOWN FLOODED BY AIREDALE

(ATBA Network News, 16 March 2015)  Spring flooding came early to the Wisconsin town of BaconCheese when Doogie, an Airedale Terrier known for his prodigious thirst and glorious beard, slopped around his drinking bowl and flung the contents all over Main Street.

No one was hurt, but ChaseChompers and squirrels were heard cursing him.  It was the third time in five years that the town had suffered from Doogie's bad drinking habits.

Appeals have been made to Doogie's owners to put him on a low salt diet to cut down on his thirst.

In other news, the town sanitation system has broken down from the spring cleanup of Doogie's poop.

AIREDALES TAKE OVER U.S. GOVERNMENT

(ATBANN, 15 March 2015)  Worldwide governments are scrambling to adjust policy documents after a sudden and brutal coup of the United States government has left Airedale Terriers in power.

What originally started as a confused chaos early Saturday morning eventually formed into a focused group with a single intent in mind.  

Unrest began when a false rumour circulated on the Canine Social Network that the White House had cornered the market on bacon and was refusing to share, even if someone sat nicely, barked sweetly and begged with a terminal cuteness.

Airedales began converging on the hotspot at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue early in the day.  One dog named Armor hijacked a plane from Salt Lake City and crash landed it in nearby Georgetown, scaring a group of terrified Wiener Dogs and Toy Poodles.

Metro Police and Secret Service agents soon became unnerved at the massive amount of butt sniffing and BITEYFACE! going on.  Several agents were injured by the Nose-to-Crotch Syndrome.

As it became obvious that White House officials were not forthcoming and were obviously holding out on the hidden Bacon Reserves, hysteria took over the crowd, which rushed the gates, snarling and jumping.  Eventually the sheer weight of the crowd bent the iron bars and the Black and Tan wave swarmed the building.

The White House was empty, however.  An AireForce helicopter had already evacuated everyone from the building.

Finding it empty, the ringleaders gathered in the Oval Office and held an impromptu press conference.

Kevin the Airedale, the group’s leader, dictated their terms after a slight delay (he accidentally pooped on the floor because he forgot to go before he left home).

“Governments of the world are hereby put on notice.  We are in charge and will take your bacon whenever and wherever we like SQUIRREL!!!”

There was a 15 minute delay while the strike force searched the hallways for the rumoured squirrel.  A Portuguese Water Dog was found during this time and interrogated, but no new evidence came to light.

More information will be provided as the situation develops.