X-FILES EPISODES UNWITTINGLY REVEAL THAT AIREDALES WILL SAVE THE UNIVERSE

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 25 January 2016)  Much to their astonishment, scientists watching the recreation of the venerable “X-Files” television show discovered something to their great dismay:  in the world of fiction, real aliens were lurking in the background of the show.

The U.S. Pentagon did some intensive decoding; in this Area of decryption, they found 51 possibilities of a message…but only one was clear and made sense.

The aliens come from the planet Uranus.

Their interest in Planet Terra comes from two things:  their need for methane and their fascination for one particular life form.

According to their decoded message, the Travellers are starting to run out of their native atmosphere, which is heavily based on methane.  Through their spectrographic DaleBurrierScopes, they detected the largest concentration of methane in the solar system to be located on this planet, which they call AireDalia for some reason.

A seemingly sinister figure appeared in a frame in the show; it is only identified as “Eisenfart” and flashed between Mulder and Scully as they argued:  “Lord, Scully, what’s happened to you?  You’ve gotten OLD…that’s the worst dye job I’ve ever seen.”  “Oh, yeah?  I can’t believe that even your NOSE hairs are grey, Mulder!”

Apparently the travellers from Uranus sniffed out a never-ending supply of methane generated by the life species called Airedales.  While it seems to threaten the two legged natives on the planet, it is the Breath of Life to the Travellers.

Meanwhile, as the show ended, another threatening entity seemed to emerge from the sky…

SINISTER DOOMSDAY WEAPON INVENTED BY NORTH KOREANS

(ATBA News Network, 20 Jan 2016)  The world shuddered recently as terrible rumblings came from the earth deep underground in the mysterious country of North Korea.

Many feared that the underground tremors were a result of nuclear testing.  However, the planet soon was filled with dread at the prospect of something far more horrible.

The North Koreans had invented the Doomsday Weapon.

Defectors who have recently escaped the reclusive regime reported to the New Pork Times that dictator Kim Jong-Un, also known as Ring-Ding Junior, has proudly unveiled a weapon of mass destruction so disgusting and lethal it could mean the end of the world.

It is called the FartDale.

The prototype monster, having been fed a secret formula, levelled a nearby mountain range with a blast so powerful that nuclear scientists could not measure it.

Even more terrifying is a secondary version of the weapon:  the Silent FartDale, which emits methane which cannot be seen, but the smell of which can empty an entire city.  A residual effect is that global warming is accelerated.  Climatologists observed that half the Antarctic Ice Shelf collapsed into the sea after the first reputed Silent FartDale test.

Dictator Ring-Ding Junior:  "We gonna stink up dis joint!"

Officials at the U.S. Pentagon threw up their hands (not their lunch) in despair.  “Whattya gonna do against something as crazyass as that?” said General Bombthehelloutofthem.  “There’s nothing in international law that ever conceived of something so awful.”

The world’s population is holding its breath…because it stinks over in North Korea.

Only one person knows what to do:  HeisenBark.  But his price is very, very high.