NEW AIREDALE BREED STANDARD ANNOUNCED BY BKC

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 21 May 2015)  The BKC (Bacon Kennel Club) today announced a new standard for Airedale Terriers.

The pronouncement was made by Hizzoner Pete Onslaught at a news conference.

"After many years of study, perhaps two or three hours, We have determined that henceforth the breed's name is changed from 'Airedale Terriers':  they will now be called AirDale Terriers."

(CKC President Announcing New AirDale Breed Standard)

"This follows the new direction of the breed.  We all know that a compact dog makes a healthier, more attractive dog.  In addition, it is more environmentally friendly, since it takes in less oxygen and uses less gas when driving its Maserati around town (since everyone knows that AirDale owners are smarter, better looking, and wealthier than other breed owners)."

"As well, the global trend has been miniaturization.  Moore's Law dictates that units become more powerful and smaller every 18 months, and so we have determined that the old standard is far behind the times.  Hence the new, improved AirDale units.  The new, improved AirDale male dog will be no taller than six inches at the shoulder; females will be 1/2 inch tall and viewable through a microscope."

"The new standard takes effect immediately.  Competition judges are to take note of the new regulations."

(Jetta the Jumping AirDale Seen in a recent competition)

HUNGRY WIENER DOGS BEHIND PLOT TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 10 May 2015)  In a major news scoop, Airedale Maris Barkingrowler has uncovered a massive conspiracy by Wiener Dogs.

Barkingrowler went undercover as a a bottle of ketchup to find out the truth.

After weeks of being shaken, not stirred, she found that Wiener Dogs are actually The Illuminati and control most world leaders.

She was able to snap a quick picture after “Vladimir Putin”’s head fell off during a speech about his plans to invade Las Vegas and a Wiener Dog named Gilbert emerged from Putin’s neck to to snatch a piece of steak from a banquet table.  No one noticed because Putin had lost his head on numerous occasions.

The United States of Airedale HomeFries Security Agency initially had no comment, but finally issued a statement.  In an historic first, Othello the Farting (Silent) Airedale, Minister of Juvenile Humor and Bad Taste, said:  “Yes, Putin’s head fell off and a Wiener Dog came out.  We have known for a long time that the 2Legs known as Vladimir Putin is actually a sock puppet operated by hungry Wiener Dogs.  They have taken over world dictators for a long time in their voracious pursuit of TATOR TOTS.”  (If you don’t get the bad joke, think about it - Wiener Dogs and Tator Tots / DicTators…yeah, it’s lame).

Anyhow, the HomeFries Security Agency raised the Alert Colour to a delicious golden brown, that golden colour that hash browns get just as they are sizzling and bubbling in delicious bacon grease and the smell drives you absolutely crazy and you want to bite your 4Legs in the ass so you can get those hash browns faster and…uh…Golden Brown is the Alert Colour.

Minister Othello warned citizens to remain vigilant and stayed armed with mustard in case Wiener Dogs ventured into their neighbourhood looking for DicTators or anything else edible.