SOUTH AMERICAN BREEDERS CREATE THE PERFECT AIREDALE

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK)  Dog breeders in San Bacon, Brazil have announced that they have perfected a variant of the venerable Airedale breed.

They call it the TAireAntula.

Strong points of this new breed is that it does not bark but can run faster than any of its prey, giving it an enormous advantage when hunting.

So far the only TAireAntula has won every single dog show competition it has entered, scoring not only a Best of Breed, but Best In Show 27 times in a row.  Coincidentally, all other dogs, breeders, handlers and judges (except for the unfortunate nearsighted George McFoley who bent down to check the dog’s teeth and was devoured instantly) did not show in those shows, mainly because they were all scared sh**less.

Standing at 36 inches at the shoulder and 240 pounds (males; females slightly smaller), the TAireAntula is able to leap 72 feet straight up.

This reporter was not able to find out any more details because he was too busy running away as the dog was ripping apart its owner before a snack.

CANADA STUNNED BY ELECTION RESULTS

Arthur the Bad Airedale Crowned Queen of Canada

(ATBA News Network, 19 October 2015)  Well, it wasn’t the Conservatives, Liberals or New Democrats who will be  running the Great White North now.  

It’s the BACON Party.

In an election that will forever be known for its controversy, twists and turns, one more surprise came out of nowhere:  the canine write-in vote.

Except that dogs cannot write.

But that didn’t stop dogs from all over the country from disrupting the election process and turning it to their own ends.

Dogs, dogs, dogs - Boxers, Dobermans, Labradors (very popular voting in the Maritimes), even Shetland Ponies - came out to vote in every single voting district.

When told that “Dogs can’t vote,” the prospective voters responded with bared teeth and lifted legs.  They also pointed out (mainly while standing over election officials, growling) that there is not one single law prohibiting dogs from voting.

After election officials vacated the premises, legions of Wiener Dogs took over tabulation of results.  Amazingly, not one single human was elected.

Leader of the BACON Party Arthur the Bad Airedale was thereby acclaimed as Queen of Canada.  When told that there was no such position, he merely grunted and put on his quite elegant and stylish crown.

First order of business will be lunch.  Then dinner.  Then lunch again.  Then maybe a nap, followed by chasing of squirrels and ChaseChomps.

This begins the march of Mr. Bad Airedale toward his stated "Trifecta."  He intends to be Queen of Canada, President of the United States of AireMerica, and Prime Defenestrator of South Africa.  It appears that his mission has gained tremendous momentum.

FUNDING APPEAL LEECHED DRY

(ATBA News Service, 5 October 2015)  Angry Airedale owners on Facebook tracked down a scam artist and inflicted their own brand of justice.

One Jennifer A Salinger posted on an Airedale Owner’s Group and falsely claimed that an Airedale named Samson had been claimed for free from Craigslist, then used as a “bait dog” for dog fights in Massachusetts.  She then claimed that the dog had barely survived the horrific ordeal, suffered over 3,000 stitches, and was undergoing emergency veterinarian care.  Finally, she said that people could donate to her personal PayPal account and gave the pertinent information to do so.

It took only hours before Airedale forum members came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a scam, and in fact had been inflicted upon other breed owners as well, such as Wheatens and Sheepdogs.

Some forum members had already donated money.

The Airedale owners then exacted justice the way that an Airedale would:  “Don’t start a fight, but when in it - FINISH IT.”

A delegation from the forum tracked down the scam artist and attached leeches to her face.  This was repayment for her preying upon the love of Airedale owners and lovers, bleeding their love for their animals, and soaking their bank accounts simply because they love their pets so much.

In this GoFundMe drive, the involved Airedale owners are inviting anyone to contribute $5.00 apiece, which will buy one leech to be applied to the fraudster’s face.  It is hoped that enough money will be contributed to give Ms. Salinger a complete makeover.

Contributions can be sent to JenSalsAnAss@gofundme.com.

PRESAIREDENTIAL CANDIDATE TO REPLACE POLITICIANS WITH ANIMAL RESCUE WORKERS

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 19 August 2015)  Arthur The Bad Airedale, dogged by negative publicity in his presidential campaign, finally declared a platform idea not related to BACON.

Mr. Bad Airedale has decided that if and when elected President, he will fire every single politician and replace them with staff members from Animal Rescue Societies.

When pressed for an answer, he stated:  “I’m not really seeing progress on this planet from humans; I think that it may be time for a HUMANE approach.”

He did not spell out the specifics for his plan.  When pressed for an answer, he stretched and started licking his crotch until reporters walked away in embarrassment or disgust.

AIREDALE PEES ON NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR AND CAUSES INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT

Airedale Presidential Candidate Urinates on North Korean Dictator

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 18 August 2015)  Heightened tensions exist between North Korea and Canada after an Airedale from Fort Erie, Ontario accidentally urinated upon North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Arthur The Bad Airedale, who is running for President of the United States even though he is a resident of Canada, committed the act that has diplomats worldwide scurrying to explain and deflect blame.

The Presidential candidate is the best-selling author of Sure, I Do Crappy Photoshopping and also last year’s hit Who Cares What YOU Think?  Vote for Me!

Mr. Bad Airedale was on a diplomatic trade mission to investigate claims that the North Korean BACON crop is the highest and tastiest on the planet.  

The Korean strongman was under the impression that Mr. Bad Airedale is some sort of elite American athlete similar to Dennis Rodman or Pee Wee Herman, and so invited him to a private conference.

When Jong Un said, “Come over to me, please,” Mr. Bad Airedale promptly went over and lifted his leg on the dictator.

Explaining later, the Presidential candidate said,  “Well, his accent is so thick that I thought he said, ‘Come over to pee on me.’  So not wanting to be rude, I did so immediately.”

The conference ended suddenly and Mr. Bad Airedale exited the country as soon as possible.

World leaders everywhere were seen snickering.

AIREDALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE POPS UP IN NEW PLACES

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 14 August 2015)  It seems that Arthur The Bad Airedale is not done with the U.S. political world just yet.

The recent scandal whereby the Republican candidate was disgraced for trying to corner the market on BACON seemed to eliminate him from the presidential campaign for 2016.

However, something odd happened during a Hillary Clinton press conference in front of the White House:  while she was speaking, her head appeared to fall off and Arthur The Bad Airedale's head appeared to pop up between her shoulders.  Then she grabbed her head and shoved it back on and he disappeared.

The significance of this event is unknown.  More details to follow.

AIREDALE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DROPS OUT OF RACE BECAUSE OF SCANDAL

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 13 August 2015) The unlikely presidential campaign of Arthur the Bad Airedale is over.

An investigation by the F.B.I. (Federal Bacon Institute) has revealed a massive conspiracy by Mr. Bad Airedale to defraud the American population.

Mr. Bad Airedale with His Political Planning Team

Mr. Bad Airedale launched his campaign only upon discovering that hogs would be in short supply and therefore BACON as well.

Becoming both alarmed and greedy as well as arrogant, he concocted a massive scheme whereby he would garner as much BACON as possible illegally while appearing to generously share with everyone else.

One of his schemes was to use roving gangs of Minion Wiener Dogs to cause a crash of a huge tractor trailer, spilling an astonishing 70,000 pounds of BACON on the road.  Once the BACON was declared unfit for human consumption, Mr. Bad Airedale’s assistants packed it all up and delivered it to an undisclosed location that he owned.

In another astonishing turn, he entered the presidential race, appearing on at least one televised debate.

Even his campaign slogan was misleading:  it turns out that the words “Free Bacon for Everyone” actually means in the Airedale Language “All Your Bacon Belongs to Me, Suckers!”  He never intended for anyone else to receive a single piece of BACON.

The photo below shows Mr. Bad Airedale being apprehended by an FBI agent.

Mr. Bad Airedale posted bail shortly afterwards and made this statement:  “I don’t care.  I may have a BACON addiction problem, but it’s mine and I’m proud of it.  Get out of my way unless you have BACON.”

Upset follower of Arthur the Bad Airedale

Then he disappeared into the wild back streets of the frontier town of Fort Erie.  His whereabouts are currently unknown.