SOLUTION FOUND AS TO WHY HUMANS BEHAVE BADLY

Bipeds Channel Their Inner Airedale

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK)  A team of geneticists, art historians, palaeontologists, psychologists, idiots, and other social scientists have discovered why certain famous people behave VERY badly:  they are Airedales wearing human suits.

Art historians were the first to spot the pattern when they came upon an extremely rare woodcut of Vlad the Impaler, Count Dracula.  The official portraits of Vlad had always seemed calm and dignified to scholars, a trait which seemed incompatible with someone reputed to have impaled hundreds of people on sharpened wooden stakes.

It seems that the real story was much stranger:  Vlad was far more monstrous than previously thought.  The horrific original woodcut that all others had come from - but been changed because of its frightening nature - revealed that his name was really “Vlad the ImDaler”:  a vicious Airedale actually inside his body, while he wore a mask to hide his true nature:

Historians began to see a pattern when looking at other badly behaving villains.  Josef Stalin had all copies burned of an image after he was photographed during a high blood pressure attack - but one negative survived.  It shows his remarkably vicious nature:

Current sociologists recently picked up on the phenomena in Hollywood celebrities who love to lay on their backs and expose themselves:

Even political scientists have noticed the increasingly popular trend for asshats intent on becoming President.

Doomsday scientists predict that given these trends, nearly two billion AireDales wearing human suits will roam the planet by the year 2025, raising ocean levels because of excessive peeing on damn near everything.

Archaeologists are not surprised.  They already knew from The Big BACON Theory that everything in the Universe was created from when DoG fried up the first rash of BACON and the grease overheated and popped, creating our existence.  Ever since then, the Creation has evolved from its archaic beginnings, with one wing developing into beings who pursue goodness and knowledge, and the other wing pursuing chaos and really tough squeaky toys and and the Holy Grail of BACON, which is rumoured to be located on a dirty roof top outside of Cleveland, Ohio.

X-FILES EPISODES UNWITTINGLY REVEAL THAT AIREDALES WILL SAVE THE UNIVERSE

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 25 January 2016)  Much to their astonishment, scientists watching the recreation of the venerable “X-Files” television show discovered something to their great dismay:  in the world of fiction, real aliens were lurking in the background of the show.

The U.S. Pentagon did some intensive decoding; in this Area of decryption, they found 51 possibilities of a message…but only one was clear and made sense.

The aliens come from the planet Uranus.

Their interest in Planet Terra comes from two things:  their need for methane and their fascination for one particular life form.

According to their decoded message, the Travellers are starting to run out of their native atmosphere, which is heavily based on methane.  Through their spectrographic DaleBurrierScopes, they detected the largest concentration of methane in the solar system to be located on this planet, which they call AireDalia for some reason.

A seemingly sinister figure appeared in a frame in the show; it is only identified as “Eisenfart” and flashed between Mulder and Scully as they argued:  “Lord, Scully, what’s happened to you?  You’ve gotten OLD…that’s the worst dye job I’ve ever seen.”  “Oh, yeah?  I can’t believe that even your NOSE hairs are grey, Mulder!”

Apparently the travellers from Uranus sniffed out a never-ending supply of methane generated by the life species called Airedales.  While it seems to threaten the two legged natives on the planet, it is the Breath of Life to the Travellers.

Meanwhile, as the show ended, another threatening entity seemed to emerge from the sky…

SINISTER DOOMSDAY WEAPON INVENTED BY NORTH KOREANS

(ATBA News Network, 20 Jan 2016)  The world shuddered recently as terrible rumblings came from the earth deep underground in the mysterious country of North Korea.

Many feared that the underground tremors were a result of nuclear testing.  However, the planet soon was filled with dread at the prospect of something far more horrible.

The North Koreans had invented the Doomsday Weapon.

Defectors who have recently escaped the reclusive regime reported to the New Pork Times that dictator Kim Jong-Un, also known as Ring-Ding Junior, has proudly unveiled a weapon of mass destruction so disgusting and lethal it could mean the end of the world.

It is called the FartDale.

The prototype monster, having been fed a secret formula, levelled a nearby mountain range with a blast so powerful that nuclear scientists could not measure it.

Even more terrifying is a secondary version of the weapon:  the Silent FartDale, which emits methane which cannot be seen, but the smell of which can empty an entire city.  A residual effect is that global warming is accelerated.  Climatologists observed that half the Antarctic Ice Shelf collapsed into the sea after the first reputed Silent FartDale test.

Dictator Ring-Ding Junior:  "We gonna stink up dis joint!"

Officials at the U.S. Pentagon threw up their hands (not their lunch) in despair.  “Whattya gonna do against something as crazyass as that?” said General Bombthehelloutofthem.  “There’s nothing in international law that ever conceived of something so awful.”

The world’s population is holding its breath…because it stinks over in North Korea.

Only one person knows what to do:  HeisenBark.  But his price is very, very high.

SOUTH AMERICAN BREEDERS CREATE THE PERFECT AIREDALE

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK)  Dog breeders in San Bacon, Brazil have announced that they have perfected a variant of the venerable Airedale breed.

They call it the TAireAntula.

Strong points of this new breed is that it does not bark but can run faster than any of its prey, giving it an enormous advantage when hunting.

So far the only TAireAntula has won every single dog show competition it has entered, scoring not only a Best of Breed, but Best In Show 27 times in a row.  Coincidentally, all other dogs, breeders, handlers and judges (except for the unfortunate nearsighted George McFoley who bent down to check the dog’s teeth and was devoured instantly) did not show in those shows, mainly because they were all scared sh**less.

Standing at 36 inches at the shoulder and 240 pounds (males; females slightly smaller), the TAireAntula is able to leap 72 feet straight up.

This reporter was not able to find out any more details because he was too busy running away as the dog was ripping apart its owner before a snack.

CANADA STUNNED BY ELECTION RESULTS

Arthur the Bad Airedale Crowned Queen of Canada

(ATBA News Network, 19 October 2015)  Well, it wasn’t the Conservatives, Liberals or New Democrats who will be  running the Great White North now.  

It’s the BACON Party.

In an election that will forever be known for its controversy, twists and turns, one more surprise came out of nowhere:  the canine write-in vote.

Except that dogs cannot write.

But that didn’t stop dogs from all over the country from disrupting the election process and turning it to their own ends.

Dogs, dogs, dogs - Boxers, Dobermans, Labradors (very popular voting in the Maritimes), even Shetland Ponies - came out to vote in every single voting district.

When told that “Dogs can’t vote,” the prospective voters responded with bared teeth and lifted legs.  They also pointed out (mainly while standing over election officials, growling) that there is not one single law prohibiting dogs from voting.

After election officials vacated the premises, legions of Wiener Dogs took over tabulation of results.  Amazingly, not one single human was elected.

Leader of the BACON Party Arthur the Bad Airedale was thereby acclaimed as Queen of Canada.  When told that there was no such position, he merely grunted and put on his quite elegant and stylish crown.

First order of business will be lunch.  Then dinner.  Then lunch again.  Then maybe a nap, followed by chasing of squirrels and ChaseChomps.

This begins the march of Mr. Bad Airedale toward his stated "Trifecta."  He intends to be Queen of Canada, President of the United States of AireMerica, and Prime Defenestrator of South Africa.  It appears that his mission has gained tremendous momentum.

FUNDING APPEAL LEECHED DRY

(ATBA News Service, 5 October 2015)  Angry Airedale owners on Facebook tracked down a scam artist and inflicted their own brand of justice.

One Jennifer A Salinger posted on an Airedale Owner’s Group and falsely claimed that an Airedale named Samson had been claimed for free from Craigslist, then used as a “bait dog” for dog fights in Massachusetts.  She then claimed that the dog had barely survived the horrific ordeal, suffered over 3,000 stitches, and was undergoing emergency veterinarian care.  Finally, she said that people could donate to her personal PayPal account and gave the pertinent information to do so.

It took only hours before Airedale forum members came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a scam, and in fact had been inflicted upon other breed owners as well, such as Wheatens and Sheepdogs.

Some forum members had already donated money.

The Airedale owners then exacted justice the way that an Airedale would:  “Don’t start a fight, but when in it - FINISH IT.”

A delegation from the forum tracked down the scam artist and attached leeches to her face.  This was repayment for her preying upon the love of Airedale owners and lovers, bleeding their love for their animals, and soaking their bank accounts simply because they love their pets so much.

In this GoFundMe drive, the involved Airedale owners are inviting anyone to contribute $5.00 apiece, which will buy one leech to be applied to the fraudster’s face.  It is hoped that enough money will be contributed to give Ms. Salinger a complete makeover.

Contributions can be sent to JenSalsAnAss@gofundme.com.

PRESAIREDENTIAL CANDIDATE TO REPLACE POLITICIANS WITH ANIMAL RESCUE WORKERS

(ATBA NEWS NETWORK, 19 August 2015)  Arthur The Bad Airedale, dogged by negative publicity in his presidential campaign, finally declared a platform idea not related to BACON.

Mr. Bad Airedale has decided that if and when elected President, he will fire every single politician and replace them with staff members from Animal Rescue Societies.

When pressed for an answer, he stated:  “I’m not really seeing progress on this planet from humans; I think that it may be time for a HUMANE approach.”

He did not spell out the specifics for his plan.  When pressed for an answer, he stretched and started licking his crotch until reporters walked away in embarrassment or disgust.