CANADA STUNNED BY ELECTION RESULTS

Arthur the Bad Airedale Crowned Queen of Canada

(ATBA News Network, 19 October 2015)  Well, it wasn’t the Conservatives, Liberals or New Democrats who will be  running the Great White North now.  

It’s the BACON Party.

In an election that will forever be known for its controversy, twists and turns, one more surprise came out of nowhere:  the canine write-in vote.

Except that dogs cannot write.

But that didn’t stop dogs from all over the country from disrupting the election process and turning it to their own ends.

Dogs, dogs, dogs - Boxers, Dobermans, Labradors (very popular voting in the Maritimes), even Shetland Ponies - came out to vote in every single voting district.

When told that “Dogs can’t vote,” the prospective voters responded with bared teeth and lifted legs.  They also pointed out (mainly while standing over election officials, growling) that there is not one single law prohibiting dogs from voting.

After election officials vacated the premises, legions of Wiener Dogs took over tabulation of results.  Amazingly, not one single human was elected.

Leader of the BACON Party Arthur the Bad Airedale was thereby acclaimed as Queen of Canada.  When told that there was no such position, he merely grunted and put on his quite elegant and stylish crown.

First order of business will be lunch.  Then dinner.  Then lunch again.  Then maybe a nap, followed by chasing of squirrels and ChaseChomps.

This begins the march of Mr. Bad Airedale toward his stated "Trifecta."  He intends to be Queen of Canada, President of the United States of AireMerica, and Prime Defenestrator of South Africa.  It appears that his mission has gained tremendous momentum.

FUNDING APPEAL LEECHED DRY

(ATBA News Service, 5 October 2015)  Angry Airedale owners on Facebook tracked down a scam artist and inflicted their own brand of justice.

One Jennifer A Salinger posted on an Airedale Owner’s Group and falsely claimed that an Airedale named Samson had been claimed for free from Craigslist, then used as a “bait dog” for dog fights in Massachusetts.  She then claimed that the dog had barely survived the horrific ordeal, suffered over 3,000 stitches, and was undergoing emergency veterinarian care.  Finally, she said that people could donate to her personal PayPal account and gave the pertinent information to do so.

It took only hours before Airedale forum members came to the conclusion that the whole thing was a scam, and in fact had been inflicted upon other breed owners as well, such as Wheatens and Sheepdogs.

Some forum members had already donated money.

The Airedale owners then exacted justice the way that an Airedale would:  “Don’t start a fight, but when in it - FINISH IT.”

A delegation from the forum tracked down the scam artist and attached leeches to her face.  This was repayment for her preying upon the love of Airedale owners and lovers, bleeding their love for their animals, and soaking their bank accounts simply because they love their pets so much.

In this GoFundMe drive, the involved Airedale owners are inviting anyone to contribute $5.00 apiece, which will buy one leech to be applied to the fraudster’s face.  It is hoped that enough money will be contributed to give Ms. Salinger a complete makeover.

Contributions can be sent to JenSalsAnAss@gofundme.com.